5 Regrets Of The Dying

Before we start this week’s story, I want to play a bit from the Carsie Blanton song Smoke Alarm.

Why do you waste your time
Thinking about your reputation
Trying to meet an expectation
Wondering what they’re gonna say
When everyone you ever known
Is headed for a headstone
I don’t wanna give the end away
But we’re gonna die one day

Carsie Blanton sings about the futility of worrying about reputations and trying to meet expectations when we’re all on a one way trip to the grave. Life is short , and we should make the most of it. She penned these lyrics while still in her twenties, and for someone so young, she understands a lot about the psychology of regret.

In 2017, psychologists Davidai and Gilovich published a research paper about the nature of regret and found similar themes. They surveyed dozens of people and found that most regret is caused by inaction more so than action. That is to say, we regret what we didn’t do more so than what we did do.

These researchers from Cornell University and the New School For Social Research further explain that regret is a result of conflict within our different conceptions of self: the “actual” self, the “ought” self, and the “ideal” self. The actual self is who we really are. The ought self is what society expects of us. The ideal self is a representation of our highest hopes. When we fail to take action on the hopes and dreams of our ideal self, regret will surely follow.

These themes of regretting inaction and not following our dreams are echoed by many people as they lie on their deathbeds. Bonnie Ware is a nurse who has taken care of people in the last stages of life for many years. She often asked them during their last weeks and days of life about their biggest regrets. If they could do things again, what would they change? In her book, The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying she writes about the most common answers:

5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

Many dying people told Bonnie that they wish they had been more open to change. Happiness is a choice, and over the years, they had followed the same patterns and closed the door on new choices that could have made them happier.

4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

In their last days of life, many people thought back to all the wonderful friendships they had had and felt bad that they had lost contact with them.

3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

A lot of people said they would have been happier if they had been more honest about their feelings. These people had repressed their true feelings and worried too much about what others thought.

2. “I wish I didn’t work so hard.”

Many people told Bonnie that they regretted being so focused on making money and not spending enough time with their family.

And the number 1 regret of those preparing to leave this world was also sadly about unfulfilled dreams:

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Why do we waste our time
Thinking about an obligation
Running from a confrontation
Wondering what we oughtta say
When everyone we’ve ever known
Is headed for a headstone
I don’t wanna give the end away
But we’re gonna die one day

If you enjoyed this song as much as I did, click here to buy the album. How much? Her website lets you name your price. She says, “My true calling as an artist is to share…What I actually want to do is make beautiful music and then give it to everyone, regardless of what they give me back”.

References:
https://www.carsieblanton.com/
https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/
https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/regrets-why-we-have.htm

Before we start this week’s story, I want to play a bit from the Carsie Blanton song Smoke Alarm.

Carsie Blanton sings about not worrying about reputations and expectations because life is short. We should make the most of it. She wrote this song while still in her twenties. For someone so young, she understands a lot about regret.

In 2017, psychologists Davidai and Gilovich wrote about regret and found similar ideas. They found that most regret is caused by inaction more so than action. We regret what we didn’t do more so than what we did do.

They explain that regret is a result of conflict between our different ideas of self. There is the “actual” self, the “ought” self, and the “ideal” self. The actual self is who we really are. The ought self is what society expects of us. The ideal self is our highest hopes. When we fail to take action on the dreams of our ideal self, we will regret it.

Regretting inaction and not following our dreams is common. Bonnie Ware has taken care of dying people for many years. She often asked them during their last days about their biggest regrets. If they could do things again, what would they change? In her book, she writes about the five most common answers:

5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

Many dying people told Bonnie that happiness is a choice. They had closed the door on new choices that could have made them happier.

4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

In their last days of life, many people felt bad that they had lost contact with their friends.

3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

A lot of people said they would have been happier if they had been more honest about their feelings. These people had repressed their true feelings. They worried too much about what others thought.

2. “I wish I didn’t work so hard.”

Many people told Bonnie that they regretted being so focused on making money. They should have spent time with their family.

And the number 1 regret of those preparing to leave this world was:

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

If you enjoyed this song as much I did, click here to buy the album. How much? Her website lets you name your price. She says, “My true calling as an artist is to share…What I actually want to do is make beautiful music and then give it to everyone, regardless of what they give me back”.